Studies Show Dick Size Inversely Proportional to Truck Size

In a controversial new study, researchers proved that people who drive larger trucks have smaller dicks.

The researchers conducted a survey of cisgender men who own a variety of vehicles, including bicycles, scooters, skateboards, motorcycles, sedans, coupes, convertibles, SUVs, and trucks. They took measurements of the size of each participant's vehicle, and had a team of medical professionals do an in-depth and highly-invasive physical and psychological examination of the test subjects.

It was found that while male owners of trucks, on average, had the smallest dicks, they also were the most eager to show the medical team their genitalia. This effect was amplified for truck owners who had blue lives matter flags, Punisher skulls, and Truck Nutz attached to their vehicles.

According to the researchers, “the results weren't surprising. We have long been predicting this in our theoretical models.” They attribute this effect to be the result of harmful emissions coming from the vehicles' engines.

“Bigger trucks have bigger engines, which means they emit more theta-phi-gamma radiation. This radiation then bounces around the truck frame, acting as an amplifier.” Theta-phi-gamma radiation, according to the researchers, acts as a gene suppressant, muting sex chromosomes and turning the uppercase “Y” chromosome into a lowercase “y”. This reduces the development of primary male sex characteristics, while increasing expression of certain secondary sex characteristics, such as body hair, laziness, and domestic abuse.

The researchers are still investigating why traditionally-conservative and white-supremacist vehicle decorations predicted smaller dick sizes, but hypothesized that it relates to the amount of time vehicle owners spent fucking their trucks' exhaust pipes.

“We know these types of people spend more time fucking their trucks, so it stands to reason they'd receive higher amounts of theta-phi-gamma radiation,” explained the researchers, as they closed a browser window showing a site called “TruckFukkerz[.]maga” failing to be discrete.

The researchers noted that these findings didn't seem to apply to gay men, explaining that since gay men tend to shower more often, they wash off theta-phi-gamma residue before it soaks into their DNA.

“This really was a revolutionary discovery,” they noted, “we thought daily hygiene was a myth until we saw these results. Now we're starting to shower at least once a month ourselves.”